The Big "D"

I've battled depression my whole life, so when we began planning for a family, I knew that I was a prime candidate for postpartum.  Maybe that's why I never wanted kids (or thought I never wanted kids).  Maybe there was a subconscious knowledge within myself that having a baby would be very, VERY difficult, challenging and potentially damaging for me and my offspring.  Maybe my own nature was encouraging me to tie my tubes and just adopt a whole crap load of animals instead.  I have thought a lot about all of this since becoming pregnant and especially since Peanut arrived on the scene.  The thing is, she is here now; there is no going back. ("You can't take it back; it's already out there.")

Before I got pregnant, I talked with my psychiatrist at the time about getting ready to have a family.  He knew about my battles with depression and acknowledged that we'd have to keep a close eye on my postpartum health, yet he never actually spoke with me about what specifically I might face with postpartum.  I have blamed myself for not doing more research about postpartum before I got pregnant.  I guess I just assumed PPD would just be a severe case of the blues for a more extended period of time than I had experienced previously.

Little did I know what actually awaited me.  I spent several of Peanut's first months wishing she weren't here.  And then feeling gut-wrenchingly guilty for feeling that way.  That's the thing about PPD - there is a lot of guilt that comes along with the feelings that keeps the vicious cycle churning.  In those first few months, I wanted so badly to escape my situation, to not be a mom, to somehow go back in time and make a different decision.  I felt completely helpless and, despite my team of friends and family around me, completely alone.  My fight or flight instinct was screaming, "FLIGHT!  FLIGHT!  Cut and run!"  I truly believed I had made the wrong decision.  It felt like I was not only doomed to a life of unhappiness, but also I was now dragging my spouse and a whole new human being into the mess.

In the early stages of parenthood, your internal resources are just too tapped to deal with these feelings in any rational way.  THERE IS A REASON THAT SLEEP DEPRIVATION IS USED AS A TORTURE TECHNIQUE.  Dealing with the combo of sleep deprivation and surging hormones all while trying to take care of a baby (and yourself), would challenge even the sturdiest of folk.  I felt like I had agreed to try out a new job that I ended up hating only to find myself stuck in that job forever and unable to resign.  Well, I could have resigned, I suppose, and trust me I did think about it... but I just couldn't bring myself to bail.  This was the first and most visceral lesson I learned about parenting:  I am not first.

The first 35 years of my life were all about me.  Now, even when things get ugly and uncomfortable, I am unable to run away because I have someone else to think about.  I am now making all my decisions for her.  After 35 years, this is a very difficult transition to make.  I'm not sure that I'll ever get used to being a "Mom", but I believe I'm on the road to finding peace with my position.

Here's the After School Special portion of this post:  If you or someone you know has a history of depression and is thinking about conceiving or is currently on the nest, PLEASE take some time to research the symptoms of postpartum and make a list of resources for help (here is an excellent start: http://www.postpartumprogress.com/).  The best thing I ever did for myself and my family was to go get help.  You've heard it before, but you'll need to repeat it to yourself OFTEN:  There's no shame in asking for help.  And also, THIS TOO SHALL PASS.  It might take a while, but I'm living proof that it does get better.