I seriously need to stop thinking about this and just write it, because with the way my memory works (or doesn't, these days), I'm going to forget everything before I can get it all down. I use the word "forget" quite loosely, as there are many things about my experience of becoming a mom I will never be able to forget. Sure, many details are already gone or slipping away, but the memory of the pain, anguish, heartbreak, devastation, hopelessness (need I go on?), will remain for years to come, I believe - reverberating like aftershocks from an earthquake.
Actually, the recent earthquake and resulting tsunami in Japan is a good example of what my internal world felt like for the first several months after Maggie was born. I know this may seem overly dramatic to many, but my goal in blogging my experiences is to be as completely honest as I can be. I have yet to encounter (and to be fair, I'm still just starting my research) anyone who has expressed as brutal an experience as I have had. I am here to share the dark and debilitating world that I am only recently emerging from. I don't believe there will be a lot of humor to be found, so perhaps it will seem like an exaggeration or over-dramatization. I hope to find the balance between the truth and emotion and to bring clarity to my experience for myself and hopefully for other women who feel similarly.
I'm so proud of you, and you've insipired me to get back to writing on my blog (last entry: 2009, yikes). Although I haven't had your experience or maybe felt some of the things you've felt, please know that you are not alone. I had a bad night with Isa last night... and it still amazes me (2 kids later) how quickly one can go from happy to psychotic and how lonely, scared and unhappy you can be when you're "supposed" to be feeling the total opposite. Motherhood is hard - that's all there is to it. So I will never judge... and I look forward to reading your posts. Big hugs to you. xoxox
ReplyDeleteWrite your truth and I will read with love and complete understanding. Parenthood is hard.
ReplyDeleteI reiterate what my brilliant sister-in-law said. While I can't relate to parenthood viscerally, I can't imagine it's easy, and it most certainly wouldn't come naturally if I decided to go down that path. So, yes, write your truth and I will never judge, only support. XOXO
ReplyDeleteI am glad to hear your "struggles" because although I do not have two legged kids (yet?). I am glad that someone is writing about the not so niceties about being a parent, which just confirm my fears/hesitation about the whole idea. All you parents out there rock and forever have my support and admiration. Although I may not always agree with some "tactics", I respect the conclusion that you arrive at after what I can only imagine as many hours of inner (and not so inner) discussions with yourself (and your co-parent). xoxo!
ReplyDeleteThis is my favorite kind of blog. Please write honestly so others can understand that being a mom doesn't equal happiness 100% of the time.
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