Research, My Censor, and Me

I keep losing sleep because I'm writing and rewriting posts in my head when I should be sleeping.  I need to train myself to just get up and WRITE them already instead of trying to quiet my brain by ignoring the thoughts and beating myself up about not sleeping when I should be (self-defeatist, but I'm so GOOD at that!).


I've recently hit a road block of sorts (in case you hadn't noticed the lack of posting recently).  It's not just because I'm a busy mom, it's because I started doing research and ran smack dab into my Censor.  The Censor, for those of you unfamiliar with The Artist's Way, is that little (or in my case, BOOMING) voice in your head that sometimes (or in my case, CONSTANTLY) tells you that you suck, that you're not good enough or smart enough or pretty enough or ENOUGH enough.  The Censor is a big bully that convinces you that you have nothing of value to share with others and you should therefore just shut up, stop typing, put away your paints, burn your headshots, etc.

I've been doing research partly for personal support in dealing with my postpartum, and also see if anyone out there on the interwebs or good old-fashioned printing press has really discussed some of the issues relating to motherhood, depression and postpartum, and identity that I have been struggling with.  I've come across some really great blogs (my favorite right now:  TheBloggess.com), and have a stack of books (Anne Lamott's "Operating Instructions" for one) I'm slowly working through with the 15 minutes I'm able to stay awake and read at the end of the night.

Yesterday, I also came across a few articles specifically about "Mommy Bloggers", including some do's and don'ts (i.e. don't overshare).  The specifics aren't really important at this point, but it got me thinking... doing too much thinking, in fact, and it brought my Censor roaring back into play.  I couldn't even motivate myself to write an unpublished blow-off post.  I've come to hefty blows with my Censor in the past (there will likely be more on this in subsequent posts), and I'm not anxious to step into the ring again, but I have no choice.  There is no other way to get rid of the Censor.  You must fight or flee, and I have too much I need to get off my chest to run away right now.

Some who read these posts may think I am oversharing, but the only thing I'm really worried about with that is what Maggie will think when she reads all this one day.  So I am writing as honestly and openly as I can, but there will still be thoughts, feelings and observations that I keep to myself.  Ultimately, I need to protect my daughter and my family, and though I believe in the long run this blog will be good for all of us, I'm not doing this to air all my dirty laundry or to purposely shock or surprise anyone.

There will always be others out there doing the same thing I am - blogging about challenges with mommyhood (and life in general) - and being more informative, funnier, and more clever than I (again:  TheBloggess.com).  I can't focus on that.  I'm not writing this blog for them.  As my therapist constantly reminds me, "What you think of me is none of my business".  I'm not really writing this blog for anyone but myself right now.  Selfish?  Perhaps.  Cathartic?  Definitely, and I'm in a great deal of catharsis after the past year and a half.  If anyone else happens to find the contents of this blog to be helpful, enlightening, inspiring, whatever, that is just icing on the cake (although the icing is usually my favorite part, so perhaps that analogy isn't appropriate in this context, but you get what I mean, yeah?).