I'm sorry... For what? Oh, for my existence. I'm part Canadian after all - apologies are in the DNA! But I'm sorry that I feel sorry because I should just WRITE and not feel badly that I've disappointed anyone - even myself for letting another goal of mine (i.e. writing this blog) just float away on the busy wings of day to day "schtuph".
I'm finding myself back in a rut - the same rut I was in before Maggie was even born. My great existential quarter-life - AHEM - mid-life crisis: what am I DOING with my life? What do I WANT to do with my life? I knew these questions would not get any easier to answer once a kid came into my life. The thing is, it has little to do with how busy and preoccupied I've been with all things Maggie, but A LOT to do with my own motivation issues. I'm so bored "just" being a mom. Some days it's fine. Some days go by quickly and they are enjoyable and I don't even think twice about it. Then there are the days when the hands on the clock barely budge and I can't stand the thought of having to wrangle another human life for one more minute.
That's what it is, you know? That feeling of not having figured ANYTHING out for myself, yet now having to bear witness to and guide someone else's path. I totally get that "living through your kids" thing. I get it, but I don't want to be that. I don't want to be the pushy stage mom who forces my kid to go on auditions because I lost the motivation to pursue them myself.
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